Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Sheep!
Part 4 - "The Exhalation"
If you missed it …
Click here to start at the beginning, and read Part 1!
And now, for the end of the story … and a beginning?
Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Sheep!
(A Very Short) Part 4 - “The Exhalation”
Durok smiled at the sounds of birds singing in the trees. A peaceful babbling brook rolled over smooth stone as a cool breeze drifted past.
He held Burt’s long mane of hair in one hand as Burt barfed into the cool, clean stream.
Durok patted him gently on the shoulder. "It’s okay, my friend. Let it all out."
Burt’s stomach twitched as he wretched.
"I’m curious," Durok continued. "When did you realize I had that rancid milk?"
Burt spewed a stream of bile into the flowing water at the thought. He saw a familiar-looking fish flop out of his mouth. It floated belly-up for a moment before it darted downstream. The duo watched Fisch disappear around a curve. Burt wiped his mouth. "When I saw you were missing. I knew I could bait Balthrog into making a mistake."
The sorcerer shook his head. "I must admit I am shocked you remained so calm."
Burt stared at the water in thought for a long moment. "Demons are nothing compared to my father’s betrayal. I have nothing to lose."
Durok offered a sympathetic smile and patted Burt’s back as the pair stood. "Will you be alright?"
Burt shrugged, and the pair began strolling down the brook toward the familiar lands of Schlongarden. "I will be," he said, "once my hands have tasted revenge, and my red-tressed maiden has tasted my—"
"Burt. Please do not finish that thought."
Burt and Durok strolled beneath the canopy of leafy green trees swaying in the spring breeze, surrounded by the scent of sweetgrass, and chirping birds perched on the branches.
"Durok?"
"Yes?"
"Did I just release a fish demon into our realm?"
The two paused their walk and stood in silence as they stared at the water.
"What kind of damage can one little fish do, anyway? Let’s go save your maiden."
"Yes, my friend," replied Burt. "And get you some stew."
The end … BUT WAIT, there’s more!
BONUS - “The Beginning?”
Introduction:
I started with the idea for Burt about two years ago. In a hypothetical world where Burt and Durok are in a hypothetical full-length novel, this might be the hypothetical beginning to that hypothetical story … call it a hypothetical sneak peek of what a Chapter One might look like in a book that might look like this:
(Hypothetical) Chapter One …
“Burt? What is best in life?” Durok asked.
His barbarian traveling companion sat upon a large stone and smiled as he wiped the fresh gore from his axe. The sounds of screaming villagers among the inferno of collapsed timber structures echoed throughout the nearby forest. Burt stiffened his spine and held his clenched fist high. “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the levitation of their women.”
The sorcerer scratched the side of his head with a broken twig. “Burt. I’m pretty sure they’re not floating.“
Burt cupped his ear with his hand. “Hearing the lubrication of the women!”
“Gods no,” answered Durok, cringing as he surveyed the damage. “I’m relatively certain there was no lubrication involved in anything you did today.”
“Liposuction?”
“I don’t know what that is, but I know it’s wrong.”
Burt stood and spread out his arms as he bellowed, “Come Durok! Bathe with me in the deafening cries of the women’s lactation!”
Durok shook his head. “Pillaging is exhausting. You want to go grab a snack?”
“Yes,” Burt replied. “Fruit tarts are also best in life. Especially those little cherry ones with that flaky crust and the little dollop of fresh cream on the top. Scrumptious.”
Burt & Durok are at rest … for now.
If you enjoyed Burt! The Barbarian in “Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Sheep,” let me know! I’ve been kicking around the idea of Burt!’s own series of full-length Barbarian misadventures across the lands of Schlongarden!
You haven’t yet met the Black Squall Pirates of the Floating Isles and the foul-mouthed (and fouler-tempered) Captain Salt-Beard! You know so little about the Cult of the Crimson Veil (And their leader, the dark and enigmatic High Priestess Ysmeralda!). There’s the rival kingdoms of Ironfist and Silvershade (Ruled by forthright King Elara), constantly in tension over the resources of the independent lands of the Verdant Vale. Plus there’s the wicked Baron (with his repugnant “proclivities”), and the distressed object of Burt’s lustful loins, the red-tressed maiden, What’s-Her-Name!
So if you’d like to see more of this character, more of Durok, and more shenanigans in and around the Verdant Vale, SPEAK UP, and share the story while you’re at it!
Plus, it would motivate me to finish the fantasy map:
;-)
Thanks for giving my words a chance, I wish you great success in all things!
-David
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Fantastic stories, keep going!